Thank fucking Christ that this shitshow of a year, this dumpster fire of a decade-starter, the 365 days of 365 pains is coming to a close. And usually, around New Year’s I outline some goals that I’m setting for 2021. However, the bar for 2021 has been set so low, that setting goals seems excessive. What do I want for 2021? I want it not to be as bad as 2020. But to celebrate the end of the monstrosity, and in hope that it doesn’t repeat itself, I’m going to list 20 things I’m happy did not happen in 2020.
1) America didn’t start WW3
Remember when this was a thing we were all concerned about? Wow, January was actually 200 years ago. But I do appreciate our southern neighbours for not creating a nuclear apocalypse and killing everyone.
2) Donald Trump didn’t get re-elected
I understand that the Cheeto currently inhabiting the White House doesn’t directly impact my life, however, it is nice to know that for at least the next four years I don’t have to deal with Donald Trump. I’m not American, but there is a certain amount of respect the President of the United States holds, and it was disappointing when that position was held by a misogynistic asshole with an unyielding distaste for humanity.
3) I didn’t get pregnant
The opportunities for this were few and far between. January through March presented some interesting opportunities, however, all in all it was a statistical unlikelihood. I will still take it as a win that I remain childless.
4) I didn’t fail out of university
Still don’t know what I’m going to do with my degree, however, there is a piece of paper on my desk that tells me I have a BSc.
5) Murder hornets didn’t end up being that big a deal
I was really concerned about this one for a second, but it never became a big deal.
6) I didn’t give myself bangs
It would have been a goddamn disaster. The bangs would be so much curlier than the rest of my hair. I definitely would have cut them too short. The maintenance of the whole situation makes me want to cry. If you care about me, never let me get bangs.
7) Canada Post never lost any of my packages
This was the year of online shopping. I probably bought more clothing this year than I have any other year purely out of boredom (which is a problem for another day). However, Canada Post never lost a single package. So that’s a win.
8) I didn’t break any piece of technology
I have the same phone and laptop that I started the year with. And this year both those things have turned out to be more essential then expected. Go me.
9) I didn’t gain “the covid 19 (lbs)”
I’ve talked about my new hobby of exercise quite extensively, so I won’t bore you too much. I do want to acknowledge that getting into shape during this year was extremely difficult, I still somehow managed! Wow. I’m a damn icon.
10) I didn’t participate in a super spreader event
While many people took to secret house parties and bars as soon as things opened I did not. Part of this was the strong IRON CLAD GRIP OF MY MOTHER that kept me from having fun. But also, I was partially personally responsible for being responsible.
11) I didn’t spend as much money as I usually do
I also didn’t make as much money as I usually do. But a penny saved is a penny earned, and I saved a lot of pennies…or I guess nickels because Canadians don’t have pennies.
12) I didn’t get an STI
Similar to the pregnancy situation, there were not many situations in which this would be possible. However, I don’t have to worry about syphilis, AIDs, herpes or any other infection that I could get from a man friend. I’d call this a success.
13) I didn’t get evicted
So, this would have been fucking brutal, because I live at home with my parents and I think them evicting me during a global pandemic would have been a little heartless. But it didn’t happen all the same.
14) Donald Trump didn’t entirely undermine the concept of democracy
Okay, I understand this is the second time I’ve brought up Trump and the third time I’ve mentioned the States, but a lot happened in the States this year. Additionally, any Canadian would be daft to believe that there is not a direct connection between the US and Canada. The two are intrinsically linked and for that reason I keep a close eye on what goes on south of the border. To dismantle a democratic country, while almost impressive, would have been a goddamn nightmare. (But also, I’m not counting my chickens until January 20th)
15) My liver didn’t shut down
I gave my liver every reason to give up on me this year. While I didn’t not work much this year, my liver was picking up extra shifts, and continued to work on holidays and weekends. I was unemployed while my liver was making enough money to buy a Tesla. The point of this? I drank a lot and my liver continued to struggle to deal with that. Thanks liver.
16) I didn’t start an Only Fans
My parents would have murdered me. I would be deceased. My gravestone would’ve said: “Survived COVID, taken out by Only Fans”.
17) I didn’t learn any Tik Tok dances
I am an atrocious dancer. It really should be illegal for me to dance, it isn’t pretty. For embarrassment’s sake, I’m happy I didn’t attempt any Tik Tok dances, or even worse, try to film any.
18) I didn’t hit anybody with a car
I’m really running out of positives here.
19) I didn’t get hit by a car
I’m really, really running out of positives here.
20) I didn’t get COVID
In all seriousness, this is one thing I am grateful for. Additionally, I’ve been really diligent during this last year to ensure I stay healthy. Not simply for me, but for others. I am happy that all the precautions I’ve taken have worked and that my family and friends are still safe.
So that’s my year in a nutshell. Was it flawless? Far from. Was it bad? Yeah, kind of. But as I said, the bar for 2021 is low and I’m optimistic. In Ontario we are starting 2021 in lockdown, but I’m determined to make sure my 2021 is better than my 2020. It can’t get worse…can it?
From me, with love, to you,
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