Ladies and Gentlemen,
So it's the end of a decade and I'm unsure what to write about. I thought a lot about writing "what has changed in the last decade", however when I started jotting down ideas I realised that nothing is the same since 2010. In 2010 I was 11 and this year I'm 21, of course nothing is the same. So, moving on.
Reflecting on my last year seemed too mundane for the end of a decade, I could do that any year, I will probably do that next year. Or talk about the year ahead. But I did a poll on my Instagram and it turns out people are NOT a fan of New Year's resolutions. I even thought about "what got away from me in the last decade," but I was ELEVEN years old at the beginning of the decade, so the things that got away from me at the beginning of the decade were more like "recess" and "a long division quiz" than life experiences.
So, I was back to square one when I talked to my mama and she finally inspired me. What do I want to remember in 10 years? I mean, in 10 years I'm going to 31 and wildly famous so I might need a reality check (teeheehee). But in all honesty, I love my life right now and the idea of it changing terrifies me. I love it to a point that it's probably frustrating to hear me talk about it. I feel level headed and steady and, most importantly, happy. I would give everything to be 21 for more time than I have; but I don't have that option, so my only option is to try and take the best parts of my life forward with me.
I want to still have music in my life. Not even in a "my own music" capacity. I want my own music in my life, of course, but I just want to bask in the world that is music for the next ten years. I want it to be filled with kitchen dance parties, car ride sing-a-longs and shower karaoke. I want to hear new songs and remember old songs. I want new favourite songs, new movie soundtracks, new cover songs on my guitar, and even crappy, short-lived billboard-toppers. And I want to relearn old songs; I want to remember the lyrics to my favourite songs now. I want to watch music go from on-trend, to out-of-date, to a throwback. I want to keep writing about love and loss and life. I want all these things for myself for the next 10 years and I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I want my people. I want my girls from university, who have dragged my ass through school for the last couple years. The girls who have been life-changing in ways that are overwhelming to describe. The girls who come to every show and watch me grow and change in real time. I want my friends from home; from work, from school, from childhood. The people who make Toronto home more than any city in the whole world. The people who make sure I don't blow my brains out working retail. The people who spend more than their fair share of time listening to stupid boy problems. My cousin who provides me with more entertaining stories than any other human on this planet. My best friend who couldn't get rid of me if she tried and has taught me more about loyalty and kindness than anyone else in the whole world. My family. My mom who showed me what love is and reminds me everyday that I'm me and that's enough. My dad who taught me logic and insight and despite not always understanding the way I work, taking on the task of trying to figure it out. My sisters. Just, the most beyond amazing people who have no right being as incredible as they are. Some people meet a couple great people in their life, and my life is overflowing with remarkable people and I want to bring them all with me into the next 10 years. My life is amazing because I've made it amazing, but it's only worth having an amazing life if you have people to share it with.
And inevitably as 2020 comes to an end, I have no choice but looking at the last 10 years (I know I said I wouldn't but I'm doing it anyways). The 2010's taught me the most horrendous life lessons. I learned what it's liked to lose the people you love the most. I learned what it's like to lose yourself. To give up. I learned what it's like to want any life that is not your own. I spent years in a downward spiral, and learned the terrifying reality of my first heartbreak. I learned that the people you let into your life can hurt you the most, and that nobody will hold your hand in this world.
But in spite of the horrible and the awful and the cruel I would relive it all. I would live the horrors again to learn the lessons and to grow. I would experience the pain of lost loved ones again to have more moments with them. I would go through my first heartbreak one more time just to know what it feels like to be truly and genuinely loved by someone else. I would struggle with the hopelessness of mental health again teach others that struggling is okay. I don't want to forget everything I've learned, and everything I've become. I want to bring myself forward.
And going into the next decade that's all I can really hope for, music, my people and myself. And I know that I look at the next ten years with rose coloured glasses. As I get older and life gets more complicated, I can't expect things to stay the same. In fact, things will likely get harder and that's a near-guarantee. Life will, at some points, suck. But I know that no matter the bag of bullshit I find myself swimming in, that this life is indeed, pretty great. And I think for the next 10 years, if I can keep that in my back pocket, I'll turn out just fine.
From me, with love, to you,
What's going on?
Here's a place where I'll try to keep you updated on what's going on in my life and with my music to keep you connected.