"Lately, I've been stepping over things he's trying to build "
As I've talked about quite a bit on this website of mine, I was in a serious long-term relationship at one point. But we broke up and there was this big space in my life where he used to be, and frankly I was desperate to fill it with another human. I had spent nearly two years with a person that was my person, and I lacked that. I lacked the attention that comes with having a boyfriend, I lacked the feeling of being cared for. It's not that I wanted a relationship, but I wanted aspects of a relationship that my single life was missing.
A month or two into being single, I started hanging out with a friend of mine quite regularly, we talked everyday, saw each other all the time and he began to fill the space that had been left empty.
"I just want to be loved, I drag him 'round again"
However, I spent time with him for the wrong reasons entirely. A thing that I may have forgotten to mention is that I knew very well that my friend had feelings for me. He cared about me so fully, and I saw him as a friend. But I continued to see him. I continued to text him and talk to him, tell him about my day and let him comfort me when I was stressed. I knew I was being selfish, but I also depended on this micro-relationship I had built.
"Somehow, I feel lonelier when I'm with him"
That part of my life was so confusing. Everyday was filled with new feelings. I felt guilty for acting the way I was, for being selfish with a person I knew was so incredibly kind. I knew how he felt, and I knew how I felt. I would chicken out on plans that felt to commitment-y because I wanted a relationship without a relationship.
At the same time, I was so empty. I didn't understand why I kept doing this, why I didn't just go out and find someone I actually wanted to be with. I had this thing that was almost right, but it just kept reminding me that I didn't have the real thing. I had this mirage, and it was so delicate; I knew it was a matter of time before it disappeared.
And frankly, there were days when I liked him. When I almost went through with the whole charade because I genuinely wanted to.
"I feel wrong at the end of the day"
So that's what this song is about. It doesn't paint me in the most flattering light, but I stand by the way I felt and the honest story it tells.
I'm looking into sharing new music soon, keeping with my trend of 2019. Thank you so much for all the positive feedback my new stuff has received. I appreciate you guys so much.
From me, with love, to you,
What's going on?
Here's a place where I'll try to keep you updated on what's going on in my life and with my music to keep you connected.