"I see the train coming, I feel the urge to move"
So, for anyone has seen any of my social media pages over the past little bit, you may have seen a new song that I released: "The Train". And continuing the tradition I've had over the last little bit, I'm going to break down my song a little bit and explain to you some of the intricacies I've woven into this little beauty.
I wrote this song about the stress of instability, of knowing that your current situation is a disaster.
This summer, I spent some time with a guy and we both decided that it wouldn't last past the end of the summer. I had to go back to school and he had to stay in Toronto. It was complicated; we spent so much time trying to make up rules to prevent us from being in a real relationship. Out of fear that at the end of the summer someone would end up broken. But did we care about each other? I like to think so. Were we vulnerable? Definitely.
"And I hope that we know what we're doing,
I hope that we've thought this all through"
And we kept seeing each other and spending time together and tangling ourselves in this situation. Knowing in some capacity we were going to get hurt (maybe me more than him, I'm a bit of an emotional nutcase). At times I just wanted confirmation that what we were doing wasn't a mess, because honestly sometimes it felt like it. It felt like I was gearing up for this thing to come crashing down on top of me.
"I would listen to all of your nonsense once again"
But I had fun. I had so much fun. And for the first time in a long time I liked someone and they liked me back. I know that sounds childish, to have this "crush" on someone, but sometimes you can forget what it feels like to have this mutual affection for someone. That reciprocation of feelings fills you up and every once in a while you need that feeling.
I wrote "The Train" to try to explain it all. The confusion, the heart break, the frustration. The train metaphor started off almost as an inside joke as I tried to explain to the guy what it felt like to be anxious, and before I knew it, the anxiety I had tried to explain was manifesting itself in this weird and upside-down relationship.
"Then you cut the ropes, with nothing to say
And left me alone, to wait for the train"
This is one of my only songs I've ever opened back up after finishing it. The original version didn't have this bridge or final chorus. Because I didn't really understand what I was doing because I had only ever seen and been in conventional relationships, which this wasn't.
And that's the problem with unconventionality. There are no rules. You don't have to obey standard relationship etiquette; you can just quit when you want to because there are no promises to uphold.
"And I hope your worth the pain"
"The Train" is about conflict; of wanting to live in the moment now, but wanting to protect myself later. Of seeing the disaster coming and assessing the risks, and sticking to the tracks anyways. Getting hit by the train was the price I was willing to pay. Just standing where I was and looking forward, essentially thinking "this better be worth it, cause at some point this is going to fucking suck".
I love this song, and I'm so appreciative of all the positive feedback I've been getting, both in person and through social media. Thank you so much! And if you haven't seen I entered this song in a competition to win money so I can record new music (like this song). So I've put a link down at the bottom where you can vote and support your girl.
From me, with love, to you,
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