A List of Impossible Things

I believe we’re past the point of lying to each other, so let’s be honest. I had a really shitty day today. I felt ugly and stupid and anxious. I felt like I was bad at my job and a bad friend and a bad musician. I felt like no part of my life was a place to land. I was overtired, which made me nauseous and gave me a headache, and nothing was really working for me.

I tried working out, listening to loud music, talking to friends, just hunkering down and getting through the day, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of mediocrity. But it was more than that, the feeling that I was subpar. And those days are awful, the days where everything feels bad but you can’t attach the feeling to anything in particular. There is no problem to solve, no answer to find, nothing. You just feel awful.

On days like today, I find myself really caught up in my mental health recovery. I start thinking that I’m not as far along as I want to be or should be. I start second guessing myself, and I start to use the phrase “what if”, which is an anxious person’s least favourite phrase.

So, in the name of being honest, this post is not for you. It’s for me. It has been written entirely to make myself feel better.

---

I've always been anxious. It's just kind of written into my brain 

Around the time when I had a crazy long "Impossible List". Look at that girl...she looks stressed

I have always been anxious. It’s just kind of written into my brain. For me, like many people, anxiety presents itself as catastrophes. The worst possibility to every situation – no matter how unlikely. Every person hates me, every exam I will fail, every song I write is awful, and I am ultimately stuck in a state of paralysis as my brain tries to figure out a safe route.

And when everything is scary, sometimes you just stop doing things. There are things you cut out of your life altogether out of fear. Things you write off as “Impossible”. Throughout my recovery, I have slowly been able to incorporate those things back into my life. Not all of them successfully – there are still panic attacks and breakdowns because I am far, far from perfect. But I have begun to move things off my “Impossible List”.

So, in an attempt to show myself I am not a massive failure, let’s take a look at what’s been scratched off my “Impossible List”:

1. Riding the bus
2. Taking a cab (it was particularly unfortunate when 1 & 2 overlapped and I couldn’t go anywhere out of walking distance) 
3. Taking a driving test (thankfully, I don’t actually have to do anymore of these)
4. Driving on the highway
5. Getting on a plane (I’m starting to see I just had a problem with vehicles)
6. Going to a bar
7. Going to a party
8. Going on dates
9. Making out with boys (it’s nice to have this one back)
10. Going to the gym
11. Going for a run
12. Skiing (this one was particularly devastating)
13. Taking an exam
14. Going to class
15. Accommodating a change in plans

And I understand it seems silly to some of you. It seems ridiculous to me that at one point in my life I was unable to take cabs. I was unable to drive on the highway. I was unable to go to class (as a university student I might add). So yes, today sucked, but I’ve had worse days. I’ve had days of complete panic and paralysis and fear, and this was not one of those days. Despite what my brain has decided to latch onto today, I am getting better. I am recovering. And there is not nearly as much on my “Impossible List”.

From me, with love, to you,
​
Victoria 

---