A mid-finals thought vomit

I guess I'm not necessarily mid-finals. More early finals considering I still have 5/7 left to write. (Don't feel bad for me I did this to myself). And seeing as finals season gives me a lot of time to myself to consider things that I don't usually have time to think about I'm going to word vomit here a little. Also, considering this has basically become a public journal, what do I have to lose? 

So here's my thought for the day: do people I write about know that I'm writing about them? This all started when I was picking songs for The Blue Book Project, and there were all these songs I wanted to include about people I had previously had feelings for. At that point, they seemed so distant from where I was. I had moved away from Toronto and most of the boys that played a role in that album hadn't had any significant place in my life for around two years. In my mind, I had riddled up our stories pretty well and I doubt they'd check in on my music or listen to my album anyway. Essentially, I doubt the names behind 10 or Cheers know that those songs exist, or that I play their stories in bars in Toronto and Vancouver, and have them on my album (sorry boys). In addition, when I released The Blue Book Project  I was in a serious relationship. And that boy knew all my songs and who they were about, so it wasn't like these songs were about current unrequited love. I was really happy in my relationship, I was telling stories I already knew the end to. 

But now that I'm single things are more complicated. Granted I've been single for a while, but I'm finally getting to a place where I'm considering releasing new music. And between me, myself and I, I have been writing about people in my life (whether or not they're aware of it). The bits and clips on my Instagram stories all feature people from my recent past. 

Now please, take this with a grain of salt. I have not been necessarily painting the town red in the last year and a bit. My single life is made up primarily of school, sorority, music and intensive amounts of Marvel movies - I truly am a damn treat. But at the ripe age of 20, it's safe to say that I catch feelings for unsuspecting people who make occasional features in my songs. Which brings me back to my original question: if I release music in the next year, would these boys know it's about them? Are my songs specific enough for them to know it's them? Or have I written in details in a way that only I could decipher? So many questions. 

I've made my emotions and my art really quite public. I've created a public online journal....and I've never really had to think about the consequences of this until last October: 
My ex comes by to drop off some stuff and looks at my guitar on the floor and goes "Oh, so you've been writing about me?" And in that moment I realized that the next album I release he'll be on, and he'll know and all my friends will know and his friends will know. So unless I can riddle the fuck out of our story, it's going to be public.  

So there's my word vomit. My little train of thought that I'm writing 99% to sort out my own opinion on it. And I still don't know where I stand. I love writing more than anything. It's truly one of the only things in the world that makes me genuinely happy. I get to tie up all my feelings in between choruses and verses and it makes my life so much more manageable. And I love sharing my music, but there is also part of me that is nervous about making my thoughts and feelings so public. Ah, too much thinking I need to go study. 

From me, with love, to you, 
​-Victoria 

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