What if you told me I’m pretty to see how the words taste?
Sometimes you meet someone, and your mind plays a trick on you. For a split second, it plays out a future with that person that doesn’t yet exist. It plays out an evening, or a week, or a month where you and that person are together. I wrote this song, wanting to play out that trick.
I wanted to play out this scenario where two people just fall for each other, without reserve. Because when you’re teenagers, that’s how love works. My first boyfriend and I just started dating. We decided that we liked each other and just went for it. We didn’t go through the stages of hooking up, hooking up exclusively, seeing other people, dating without labels, dating with labels, and all the other combinations that can occur in between. We just decided to fall in love, which is something only kids do.
You are so gentle, so I will get caught up in you
I often feel like I’m still that 16-year-old girl. Who falls without looking. I allow myself to get caught up in people, wrapped up in tiny relationships. I catch feelings and run with them, I let my mind play that trick out as I try to imagine that person fitting into my life.
And frankly, I would rather be that person who is reckless with their emotions, than someone who spends all their time trying to pump the breaks. I would rather look back on situation and think “I was honest with myself, and I went after what I wanted”. I’m a full throttle kind of person, and I want someone who wants that. It doesn’t mean I want a relationship right away, but I want someone who isn’t afraid to move forward and see what happens.
I am just holding the place for somebody else
However, that also means I get hurt a lot. I get shot down and ghosted and let down by people I care about. And I watch those people who hurt me move on and fall in love with different people. But you can’t really avoid that. For all the people you date in your life, you are only going to end up growing old and grey with one person. Everyone else will be a place holder of sorts until “the one” comes along. Similarly, I have been in a place holder in other peoples’ lives.
And realising you’re not the one, you’re simply a place holder, is a painful realisation. When you’re in the middle of end and your brain catches up with reality, it can hurt. But often you look back and realise how wrong that person was for you, how inevitable your end was.
It's always me being reckless and crazy
But it only needs to work once. One time for you to be happy, and that one time will be worth all the mess that came before. So I’m going to keep being stupid and childish. Yes, I get hurt and yes, it can be abrasive and yes, I know it’s statistically more likely that I’ll get my heart broken than I’ll end up happy. But fuck it. If this mess of a year has taught me anything, it’s that life is unexpected, so you might as well just go for it.
What if it worked?
I wrote this song this past July/August when I was at my cottage. As much as I wanted it to feel specific to me, I wanted people to be able to relate to what I was feeling. I didn’t want it to be about any one relationship, as much as I wanted it to be about one feeling.
I hope you like it, if you want to listen to the full song you can go to YouTube which I have linked to below.
From me, with love, to you,