The Reason I Don't Want to Go Home for the Holidays

Ladies and gentlemen, 
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I'm sure the title of this post gave my mom a small heart attack. And fair, it's a little over dramatic. But it got you here, didn't it? It's less that I don't want to go home for the holidays, and more that there is a small caveat that keeps me from being fully immersed in the idea of going back to Toronto. 

Because of this caveat, I would like to direct this post primarily at my older readers (and dedicate it to all my graduating readers). I know you're out there; my aunts, my uncles, my family friends, and the other individuals who have stumbled their way on to this page. This is for you. Okay, now that I've beaten around the bush enough, I guess it's time to release the tension and let you know why I'm a little hung up on this idea of going home.

When I go home for the holidays, there are a series of social events to attend. Traditions of Christmas parties and holiday festivities that I am so excited to participate in. I get to see so many people that I only see once or twice a year. However, considering I rarely see all of these people there is an obligatory amount of small talk that goes on. And adults love to ask a very specific question to university students:

So, what are you going to do when you graduate? 

And I will answer it right now: 

I have no fucking idea. 

How "no idea"? Only the unique amount of uncertainty that comes with having a degree in a field you have no intent in pursuing. The kind of uncertainty that make you physically nauseous and you're pretty sure you just spent ungodly amounts of money to walk across a stage so a stranger can hand you a very expensive piece of paper. That kind of uncertainty. 

And I’ve heard all the follow up questions. The most common being “if you don’t want to go into neuroscience, why are you getting a degree in neuroscience?” And to that I say, thank you reader, that is a very insightful question. However, I am not as insightful. At 17 years old, my infantile brain thought that I was interested in neuroscience when in reality, I was interested in the idea of neuroscience. Same way that I think gravity is a pretty cool concept and I love being secured to the earth, but I have zero interest in studying physics.

And sure, I could take my degree and try to go get a job in science. But what job? With what company? In what field? Being frank, a bachelor’s degree in science is in no way a legitimate degree. A BSc in the world of science is like a gold sticker on your test in elementary school. You had to do something to earn it, but in the grand scheme of things nobody is going to take it seriously. To do anything legitimate and lucrative (haha, just kidding there are no lucrative careers in science) I would need to go get a master’s degree.

Why don’t I get a master’s degree? First of all, I don’t know if you’re just sitting on $15,000, but I very much am not. My back account looks less like a phone number and more like a GPA. Plus, I’m not even sure what I would take my master’s in. Or what I would do with a master’s once I get it. I would just have another expensive piece of paper and no idea for a job. No master’s. Maybe at one point, but definitely not yet.

And if I'm being totally honest, I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. Music. I want to write and perform and work on my website because it makes me so unequivocally happy. It's the same reason I'm writing this instead of studying for my finals (oops?). I want to spend the next 60 years working on music and I would give my left kidney to do that. But right now, what I’m doing falls more under “passion project” then “sustainable career”. I want to write music more than anything else in the entire world, I’m just trying to figure out how to turn that into my real-life job.

So, yes. I am excited to go home. I am excited to see my aunts, my uncles, my family friends, and the other individuals who have stumbled their way on to this page. However, please, for the love of Christ himself on this holy holiday, do not ask me what I’m doing in May. I just told you my answer.
 
From me, with love, to you,
-Victoria

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