This Fucking Sucks

I really want to get something off my chest.

But before I do that, I want to recognise all the people that COVID has and is affecting. I know this is a serious virus; that needs to be addressed. I’m not going to be ignorant and say that it isn’t a big deal. Now, do I suggest we all start drinking bleach and prepare for the end of the world? No. This isn’t the apocalypse, this isn’t Ragnarök and we have yet to meet the four horsemen. Anyways, here we go:

I’m mad.

I’m mad at COVID. And I know the virus isn’t a self-aware entity and that being mad is a futile thing, but I’m mad and I think I’m entitled to be mad. I’m mad that I’m at home instead of outside during Vancouver’s arguably nicest season of the year. I’m mad that I’m missing my last cherry blossom season in Vancouver. That it’s sunny out and I’m sitting inside because it’s the responsible thing to do.

It fucking tanks that school is online. There is a reason I have gone 8 semesters in university without taking an online class: I’m awful at online classes, I learn in person, by talking to people and studying with people. My finals seasons consistently involve 10-12hr stints with my friends, where we actually discuss and debate course content (among other things), and that’s what solidifies it in my brain. Not rote memorization. But how am I supposed to study with my friends when I’m supposed to be social distancing and staying 6ft away from other humans?
 
Plus, learning all my course content in the first place is going to be a nightmare. I don’t do well sitting on my computer and clicking through slide decks or listening to pre-recorded videos. I want to be in a lecture hall. I want to listen to the cheesy jokes my profs make about personality disorders and drug administration because I remember those things. I’ve been fine tuning and refining my study technique and I’m finally doing well in school but on my last set of finals I have to flip everything upside down. UBC is trying to pretend that it’s equal but it’s not. There is no way that this finals season will be equivalent to a real end-of-term and pretending it is seems kind of silly. I mean, I made it this far. Can’t I just get my degree and call it a day?

I’m angry that this is the way that I end my degree. Fourth year is supposed to be fun. I had so many events lined up, I was supposed to go to Ontario to party with my cousin and see my younger sister. I had my formal, skiing with my parents at Whistler, and end of year parties. My friends and I had plans to go out on the weekends and have movie nights but now everything squashed under the fear of contracting COVID. We had even thrown around the idea of a girls’ weekend in the States, but that’s obviously not happening anymore. I’m not going out and being 21 and making dumb decisions. I’m not making stories and kissing boys and playing shows and getting to live my last two and a half months in Vancouver. I’m sitting in my apartment and finding ways to fill my time. I’m already tired of watching Netflix. It has been 36 hrs of self-quarantine and I’m bored. How the fuck am I supposed to make it to the end of this?

And I’m tired of talking about this virus. It’s all anyone talks about. The entire world has come to a halt, there isn’t anything else to talk about. No celebrity scandals, sports teams, political issues. Everything has been wiped away from everyone’s minds and everything it COVID, COVID, COVID. Remember when we were all talking about impeachment or climate change or Meghan Markle getting booted from the royal family? Nobody is talking about TV shows or new songs or which celebrity had a nip slip. I would kill for 20 minutes of regular conversation. 20 minutes of COVID-free conversation. I don’t want to talk about how hand sanitizer is the new flex, I want my parents to stop sending me “Best Alternative Sterilizers” and if one more person talks to me about toilet paper I will go out and catch COVID just so I can give it to them.

And yes, I’m still aware of the dangers of this virus. I am in two different high-risk populations. Immune deficient and asthmatic. If I get COVID I am fucked. But I just want regular life. I want to stress about school and boys and the fact that my foundation and concealer always seem to run out at the same time. I have six weeks left before I need to become a big kid and I’m going to spend most of that time playing water pong with my roommate as we search the black market for Lysol wipes. So yeah, I get that it’s dumb to complain about something I can’t change, but to be honest, I’m really running out of things to do. 

I hope everyone is actually staying safe though <3 

From me, with love, to you, 
-Victoria