West

I moved out west and took on the city as a child

Ladies and gentlemen, 

I've talked a lot about living in Vancouver. And right now I love it; I will weep like a war widow the day I need to leave and that's for one reason and one reason alone. My program. Being in behavioural neuroscience constantly makes me feel like an idiot, I feel out of place and I am genuinely unsure how to incorporate it into a career that doesn't make me want to drink bleach. The program at UBC is really poorly designed, the content is interesting but so hard I might as well be reading it in Mandarin and half the time I'm so stressed I want to vomit. 

That's when I met you, and nothing was the same

However, in spite of all the awful, being in neuroscience gave me my friends. In second year I was still struggling to be a human being and when I met a group of incredible women. ​I cannot describe to you how difficult I was to be friends with. I was a nutcase, I was flaky, I was not very kind. And I would love to blame this all on my anxiety, but a lot of it was on me. I knew I had mental health issues, I just simply chose to manage them in the worst ways possible. 

But these women took me in. When I missed class because I was too anxious (which was a lot), they would send me notes. They studied before exams with me; they taught and retaught material until I had a vague grasp on the concept rather than just letting me walk blindly into a poor grade. They were and still are relentless in their support.

So I don't say 'thank you', cause that's not enough

But most of all, they made me feel normal. To so many people I was fragile but they never treated me that way. My bad decisions were still roasted beyond belief. They are not afraid to retell my embarrassing stories and never fail to point out my mistakes. 

And I can't thank them enough. There is nothing I can do in this world to pay them back for the life they have given me. They made me feel normal when the entire world felt unfamiliar. It's more than that, they come to every show I have, they know the stories of my life inside and out, we still study for every exam together. I have spent an immeasurable number of hours with them and I truly and honestly wouldn't change that. 

I will wear you on my sleeve wherever I may go
You took my worst decision and made it my home

I understand that in graduating and moving back to Toronto I run the risk of losing them. But I genuinely can't see that happening. And you can call me naive (which I might be), but I can no longer imagine not having them in my life. I truly almost dropped out of UBC many times. There were full months that I made plans to transfer schools, to move back to Toronto. But I didn't, because I was able to find a family on the other coast. Before them I referred to going back to school as "going back to school" and it wasn't until about the middle to end of second year I started referring to Vancouver as "home". 

So yes, by moving back I may not see them as often as I do currently but in no way will I lose them. I created a second life in a second city and just because I leave doesn't mean I lose that part of myself. I'm bringing it with me into the next chapter of my life. It's like I said in my New Year's Eve post, I'm bringing me into 2020. And I don't think I would be the me I am right now without my friends. 

All the love you gave me, here in the west

So, I have five months left in Vancouver before I need to be a big kid, and you can be sure I will use every moment of that. And for anyone who will be seeing me play, I've replaced the last song in my set list. I've been playing "Home" as my last song for as long as I can remember, and I still love the song. But I've outgrown that phase of my life. "West" is more representative of me, my life and my music. So get ready to hear it. 

From me, with love, to you, 
​-Victoria 
P.S. Listen to the new song below!

Listen to "West"